Poor, Dumb Bastard Loses Last Remaining Copy of Magna Carta

May 18, 2015 12:01 pm
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Poor, Dumb Bastard Loses Last Remaining Copy of Magna Carta

London, England –British Library curator Andrew Martin, well known in archival social circles for being one stupid, stupid man, has made news recently by losing what is thought to be the last extant copy of the Magna Carta. Martin, who has worked at the Library for the past two years and has lost documents totaling a value of 200 million pounds, lost the world-famous constitutional charter when he left it on a bench in London’s Hyde Park. He had taken the document from its security case in the library to read it with his usual morning coffee, but left both his coffee and the document on a bench upon spotting a passing pigeon.

Martin, who just last year shredded King Edward VI’s will and testament when he thought it was his bank statement, did not realize his mistake until he returned to his office in the West Wing of the building. He was reported as saying, “Oh bother! What a mess I seem to have gotten myself into, losing another priceless artifact! Oopsy daisy!”

Martin, an intellectual morass, will continue to work at the museum in his present position as curator. He is currently overseeing the Virginia Woolf exhibit that celebrates the 100th year of The Voyage Out’s publication. Upon being contacted, Martin said, “Beg pardon, has anyone seen Woolf’s original manuscript? Last time I saw it, I’d left it with my ham sandwich. Also, have you seen my ham sandwich? Misplacing things makes me a mite peckish, you know.”