Student Not Playing League of Legends Continues to Waste Life

April 30, 2015 9:00 am
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Student Not Playing League of Legends Continues to Waste Life

Wilbur Hall—To the concern of his friends and parents, sources confirmed Saturday that freshman Nico Dermond is wasting his college career not playing online multiplayer sensation League of Legends. “I’ve done my best to set him on the right track, but at some point Nico’s going to have to show some initiative,” said roommate Austin Matthews. “He’s never in our room anymore, and I doubt he’s even considered opening the LoL account I set up for him. It’s sad to watch him fall like this, but what more can I do?”

Other associates have agreed with Matthews’ assessment, noting that Dermond appears to show no regard for his irresponsibility. “Oh Nico? Yeah, that kid’s a total fuck-up,” stated classmate and level 19 summoner Jack Wells. “I usually see him hanging around the library or Wilbur Field, doing stupid stuff like playing soccer or pretending that the destruction of an enemy’s Nexus shouldn’t be the only thing on his mind. I might have even spotted him with a book once.” Wells went on to say, “If it were up to me, I’d get him in front of a computer, strap him down, and put him through Dominion Mode until he faints. But I just know that before long he’ll be back on the streets, biking to class or going for runs or God knows what else.”

No less troubled were the Dermond parents, whose hearts “broke” upon hearing of their son’s questionable choices. “When Nico got into Stanford, we were ecstatic. The League community here is incredible!” reported a teary-eyed Mrs. Dermond. “We had no idea he would squander his opportunities like this. If he doesn’t get his act together—or at least construct a decent five-man team with high defensive capability—we’re cutting him off.”

As of press time, sources confirmed that Dermond has engaged in an ultimate display of rebellion: spending time with a non-virtual member of the opposite sex.

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