John Etchemendy Releases Thousands of Eggs in Final Stages of Vice-Provost Birthing Season

March 30, 2015 12:00 pm
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John Etchemendy Releases Thousands of Eggs in Final Stages of Vice-Provost Birthing Season

As we all know, the beginning of spring quarter marks a turning point in Stanford living. As students prepare for their new courses, dust off their flip flops, and break out the tank tops, it is important to remember that one of the most beautiful moments of the academic calendar is already underway: the Vice-Provost birthing season.

Early last quarter, Provost John Etchemendy began the necessary preparations by scouring for errant grains throughout the lumpy peat soil outside Huang and collecting straw from the Lake Lagunita lakebed. After collecting enough grain to sustain himself throughout the winter, Provost Etchemendy met with the board of trustees in order to talk through the 2-point, 3-tier, 5-prong plan of action for building himself a nest in the Hoover tower observation deck. As is customary, the resolution passed unanimously, and on January 29th, John Etchemendy settled into his new abode.

Then, last week, the Provost’s semi-hibernative state came to an end when it was announced that the estimated 2600-2700 Vice Provost zygotes were ready to be released from the Provost and make their way into the world. As onlookers watched, many were both stunned and moved by the inner workings of the University administration. “It was magical – truly one of the most awe-inspiring things in our nature,” said one biology lecturer. “What the fuck,” said most people.

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