The Lonely Freshman’s Guide to Cooking Thanksgiving Dinner

December 3, 2014 9:00 am
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The Lonely Freshman’s Guide to Cooking Thanksgiving Dinner

Are you an out-of-state freshman spending your first Thanksgiving away from family? Have all of your new local friends left for home without inviting you over? Do the international kids still kind of scare you? If you’ve answered yes to these questions, look no further! In a few easy steps, you could cook your very own Thanksgiving meal right in your own dorm! Here’s how to do it:

  1. You’ll need the perfect ingredients for this meal, so hop on your bike, and ride on over to Trader Joe’s. First you’ll need a turkey. Although, they’re pretty heavy, and it is just you, so a half chicken is probably fine. Make sure you get a few cans of gravy, cranberries, and green beans. Oh, don’t forget stuffing! I’m pretty sure that’s just like bread, so grab a loaf and you’ll probably be good.
  2. Back in the dorm’s kitchenette, now it’s prep time. I think the cranberries and gravy can wait till the end, so open up the green beans, and pour them into whatever dish you can find. Now for the turkey–oh wait, the half chicken, sorry. I’m not sure how you’re supposed to stuff a half chicken, so I guess just crumble up a bunch of the bread and mush it into the chest cavity. It’ll probably stay in there.
  3. You’re all ready to cook now, although I don’t know exactly how long or at what temperature you should cook it. I really wish there were other people around here that could help me. 425 is the typical temperature right? Just stick it in for like an hour. That should be enough.
  4. Now, you’re waiting. Maybe there’s someone you know in the lounge…Nope, just upperclassmen. Oh, there’s that Indian kid, he talked to you one time, right? Maybe he wants to hang out. Ok, looks like he doesn’t remember you. That’s fine though, he was an asshole anyways. Wait…what’s that smell?
  5. OH SHIT, 425 WAS TOO HIGH! Well, the half chicken is burnt now. Who am I kidding though, this meal was doomed from the beginning. Why couldn’t I just go home like everyone else? Fuck it, let’s go to Taco Bell.
  6. This is pretty good actually. One of the best chicken quesadillas I’ve had in a while. Congratulations on cooking your first Thanksgiving dinner!
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