Arrillaga Fork Breeding Program Launched

November 17, 2014 12:00 pm
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Arrillaga Fork Breeding Program Launched

In a what experts have deemed a very ambitious conservation effort, Stanford biologists have begun an initiative to combat dwindling fork populations in dining halls across campus. Researchers say the decline has been going on for several months, but only recently became troubling enough to pose a serious threat to the University. “If allowed to continue, literally thousands could have to eat salads with spoons,” remarked one concerned Arrillaga Dining employee who asked not to be identified.

Despite this, efforts to increase fork populations have consistently failed. “We suspect the forks are suffering due to a lack of instinctive mating behavior. Other utensils have historically had far greater reproductive success. “Forks are surprising. They definitely look like they mean business reproductivity-wise, but it turns out their libido is disappointingly low,” an expert added.

Struggling to find a solution, the scientists involved are also considering the introduction of spoon-fork hybrids, which would allow the forks’ vital role in the cutlery ecosystem to remain filled. However, controversy has erupted over this proposal, with the campus chapter of the Stanford Sustainability group reportedly planning a demonstration in White Plaza against sporks and other genetically modified utensils.

Regardless, the biologists are hopeful that the project will be a success where last year’s program to artificially inseminate bike racks failed.

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