Ask a Chronic Masturbator’s Penis

October 6, 2014 12:00 pm
Views: 370

Dear CMP,

Midterms are coming up this week, and I don’t know what to wear! Every time I go to my closet,  thinking I’ve picked out the perfect sweater-vest and satchel combo, I find another that I like more. Any outfit advice for me?

Sincerely,

Dressing in Durand

Dear Dressing,

I miss clothes. The feel of fabric, soft fabric brushing against you, cradling you. So cozy, so warm, so safe. Be thankful for the clothes you have, Dressing, be thankful that you’re shielded from the sharp, cold breeze. Be thankful that you can spend all day in the warm embrace of cashmere, and not the scratchy clutches of cotton.

Dear CMP,
I pulled my first all-nighter the other day, and now I can’t stop! It’s like, every night I’m in the dorm lounge just working, working, working! I think I might be addicted to edging closer and closer to sunrise before letting it all go and collapsing back onto my bed. This is a problem, CMP; I don’t like starting every day half-cocked. What can I do?

Sincerely,

Sleepy in Cedro

Dear Sleepy,

*cough* *cough* You need to learn some self-control. Edging may seem fun, but if you do it day after day, without giving yourself time to recharge, you’re going to wear yourself out. Hell, just take Sundays off or something. Don’t you feel guilty at all? Don’t you feel like a bad person? You have issues, Sleepy. You have some serious issues.

Dear CMP,

This Redskins scandal is yanking me in two directions at once. My friend Jack is off his nut, rubbing his opinions in my face. He’s really jerking me around, acting much too spunky for his own good! No matter what I do, he won’t stop pounding away at this Redskins thing, smacking down anyone who’s in favor of keeping the name. I don’t see a huge problem with it, and it’s unfair how thoroughly one side is spanking the other. What do you think about this sticky situation?

Sincerely,

Racist in Rains

Dear Racist,

They should change the name. It’s disrespectful to Native American culture. Plain and simple.

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