Op-Ed: How to Win a Goddamn Scavenger Hunt

September 29, 2014 12:00 pm
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Op-Ed: How to Win a Goddamn Scavenger Hunt

Hey, you, you in the back. With the shit-eating grin on your face. You’re not taking this seriously,
you loser. Welcome to Scavenger Hunt, son, where civility goes to die. You wanna win this shit, you
weak-willed little freshman, you best follow these tips. Firstly, get a face tattoo. Some nerd guy in your
dorm is gonna be like, “Ooh, I don’t know if I want to get a permanent alteration to my pretty face.” Tell
that guy to turn and face you, then slap him right across the face and sit him down in a tattoo parlor
until the majesty of the Chinese symbol for ‘righteous’ is implanted on his cheek. You see that? That’s
the sound of 20 points. What’s next? Head to the marina, you know, where those rich guys who used to
tell you that you wouldn’t amount to anything live, and vandalize the nicest boat you see. Just go to
town, spray paint, bodily fluids, trash the windows. Now they’ll never tell you anything, ever again. Oh,
and what’s that, Bill Gates? You just gave me 30 points. Damn right.
Now, I’m sure some of you are reading this and thinking, “Oh, but what will my staff think?” You
turds should just stop reading it, because you’re not worth my time. You can just stay at Stanford,
pissing down the leg of your pants and trying to complete the tasks while on campus, you wastes of
space. Why don’t you try and procure some ‘brownies’ in Haight-Ashbury for those sweet, sweet 15
points? That’s right, you can’t, because you’re on campus, too weak to get off your ass and scavenge like
our ancestors used to do. Meanwhile, I’ll be sitting there with my 200 points and the sweet thrill of
victory. Get bent, losers.

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