August
The Class of 2017 gets to know each other by engaging in respectful, thoughtful discourse on their Facebook page, on such riveting topics as “What is your favorite ice cream flavor?” One student adds the entire incoming class as friends. You apply to live in FroSoCo because you think living with Sophomores will be “a great resource.” Hey, we all make mistakes.
September
School starts. Finally, everyone can hear and appreciate your nuanced knowledge of the Syrian conflict. But then you blow it and call Bashar al-Assad by his sister’s name, Bushra al-Assad, and well, now you look like an idiot. Your shame turns to anger as your roommate is rolled out again and again. And again. Waking up every morning to the cacophony of yelling and pounding is giving you PTSD.
October
If the government isn’t working, why should you? Unfortunately your professor doesn’t see things that way. Leland Stanford, Jr miraculously rises from the dead, sees a slutty dinosaur grinding on a guy ironically dressed as Miley Cyrus at Mausoleum Party, and promptly dies again. You “hilariously” suggest making out with that cute dormmate at Full Moon on the Quad. It’s a joke! Right? Because you’re just friends, obviously.
November
Stanford beat Oregon. No joke, just a reminder that this happened. That was awesome. Cal resorts to biological warfare and sabotages FloMo with norovirus, but is soundly thrashed in Big Game anyway. The new Arrillaga Gym opens on West Campus, but you only ever go there to sunbathe by the pool.
December
Nelson Mandela passes on, but we will always remember his inspiring performance in Invictus. Pope Francis voted Times’ “Pope of the Year.” Clever person posts first “Let it Go” parody on YouTube.
January
The polar vortex sweeps across the nation- Stanford is relieved it didn’t open that NYC campus. The Russian people begin preparations for the Sochi Olympics, then collectively say “fuck it,” order a few port-a-potties, build a diorama of a sweet stadium and hope they can convince everyone that it’s just veeeerry far away. Less clever person posts “Let it Go” parody on YouTube.
February
The Winter Olympics meet the expectations of one really pessimistic man. Russia gets a little handsy on a Valentine’s Day date with Ukraine. Macklemore is officially the greatest rapper ever, and if you disagree, you’re wrong. An optimistic student sees the fountains as zero halves full. Most students don’t see the fountains at all because they’re binge watching House of Cards season 2.
March
Ted Mosby meets his children’s mother. They don’t appreciate the next part of his story, in which he has lots of enthusiastic unprotected sex with their mother. SHPRC demands a small fortune, but assures us it will not be wasted, thanks to their “If You Don’t Use It, You Lose It” policy.
April
High schoolers stare holes through their screens waiting for that email. Some of them are happy. Some are accepted to Stanford. Most of the latter are also the former. Game of Thrones lets you watch porn with friends again. Stanford divests from coal, investing that money instead into Beanie Babies that will be worth a lot someday- you’ll see!
May
After losing its lease in the Engineering Quad, Ike’s Place becomes another nostalgic memory for the Stanford community, along with IHum and Zimbra Webmail. We all check our privilege. The US Men’s National Team trains at Stanford but manages to avoid contact with students by eating at Arillaga Dining.
June
Seniors finish off their senior bucket list and begin writing their coterm bucket list. Freshmen dormmates bid sad farewells, before realizing they all drew together into Crothers next year. The last homeless person urinates in Meyer Library before it is torn down. Bill and Melinda Gates inspire the next generation of billionaire philanthropists at graduation.
