Record Breaking Heat Literally Breaks Records

May 22, 2014 9:00 am
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Record Breaking Heat Literally Breaks Records

Last week’s high temperatures secured its spot as the hottest week in recent memory for Stanford students- possibly because winter just ended and we apparently have a two-week long memory for climate-oriented things, allowing us to complain at every slightest change in the weather.

Regardless, despite this past week’s failure to break any real records, it did spell doom for one Rinconada resident’s record collection. Amanda Laramie knew something was wrong the second she opened the door to her dorm room: gone was the lingering smell of Febreze that doesn’t quite mask the smell of weed seeping out of her clothing. Instead, she was greeted by a plastic, acrylic smell.

“I mean, I was just doing my usual thing,” Amanda said through heartbroken sniffles, “I had played Animal Collective’s quintessential album, Meriwether Post Pavilion, just as I do every Wednesday, and then placed the record up against the window to display to passersby my superior taste in music. But then I remembered I needed to take my flannel out of the dryer, and by the time I got back, the record had been warped by the heat.”

While Meriwether Post Pavilion was the worst hit amongst Amanda’s (“classic and obscure,” she assured us) record collection, other albums also suffered damage. The records were kept nearby the window “for ease of showing of—access. I meant to say access,” and many of them were affected by the searing rays of sunshine. Perhaps ironically, one of her most precious albums was Talking Heads’ Remain In Light, advice which would spell its ultimate doom. “The thing is, that album already had a scratch during ‘Born Under Punches (The Heat Goes On)’, you know, during that one part where it goes—well, no, you probably wouldn’t know. Anyway, now that scratch is gone and it will never sound quite so legit again.”

As of press time, Amanda’s roommate could not be reached for comment, but sources confirm that she was seen walking around campus with an inexplicably large smile.

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