Student Uses Time Machine to Alter Winter Quarter Grades

April 8, 2014 9:00 am
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Student Uses Time Machine to Alter Winter Quarter Grades

Physics major Chad Longsdell, ’15, is facing an Honor Code violation as a result of using a time machine to salvage his originally-awful winter quarter finals.

Officials have accused Longsdell of travelling back to the end of Winter Quarter, finding his past self and giving his past self the answers to all of his finals. Upon returning to the present, Longsdell discovered the A+s he had achieved. Chad had already started using time-travel previously during Fall Quarter to skip lectures and then attend them through time-warping.

Lecturer Felicity Wells, who reported this scandal, had suspected Longsdell for a long time. “Chad avoids lecture at all costs,” said Wells. “Obviously, time travel was the only way this could happen.”

Longsdell, however, argued that while the Honor Code forbids obtaining or giving aid to others, he was giving aid to himself. He has also stated that the development of the time machine reflects his massive genius, and that he would be willing to give officials free tours of events throughout history.

After hours of deliberation, Longsdell finally pointed out a small clause written in the margins of the Honor Code that declared that all students by the name of Chad Longswell were exempt from the Honor Code.

“I assure you I did not go back to the drafting of the honor code, distract the writers, scribble that extra note, and create an unstable time loop,” said Longswell, trying to hide the infinite number of time-clones of himself that suddenly appeared in the room.