Ask a Newly Gender-Conscious Man Who Just Exited The Vagina Monologues

April 21, 2014 12:00 pm
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Dear Newly Gender-Conscious Man Who Just Exited The Vagina Monologues, 

I have history section in half an hour and I didn’t finish this week’s reading! I’m worried that I won’t have anything meaningful to contribute to our scintillating class discussion. Do you know any interesting facts about World War II?

Sincerely,

Lost in Lane

Dear Lost,

First off, it’s probably good that you didn’t read that book. God knows it was a gross misrepresentation of the facts anyway. “His”torians are such pigs, don’t you think? You want a fun fact? Here’s a fun fucking fact: if it hadn’t been for…for Eleanor Roosevelt, or…or Rosie the Riveter we’d all be speaking German right now.

Dear Newly Gender-Conscious Man Who Just Exited The Vagina Monologues,

My girlfriend and I went into San Francisco the other night for dinner at this swanky seafood place. I got the swordfish, which I thought was pretty choice, but my girlfriend got the clam, and she won’t stop going on and on about how good it was. It’s like, “clam” this, “clam” that. I mean, the woman just won’t shut up about her clam! What should I do?

Sincerely,

Seasick in Sigma Chi

Dear Seasick,

Let’s get one thing clear, right from the beginning: it’s called a “vagina.” Okay?! Not a “clam,” not a “pussy,” not a “self-arming baby cannon.” You went to a seafood restaurant and your girlfriend got the “vagina.” Say it with me: “VA-GI-NA.” Good.

Dear Newly Gender-Conscious Man Who Just Exited The Vagina Monologues,

I’ve been seeing this guy for about two weeks now, and he just won’t put out. It’s crazy, I’m throwing him all the signs: raised eyebrows, suggestive language, low-cut shirts, flashing him my self-arming baby cannon under the table, nothing. What can I do to get him to bang me?

Sincerely,

Horny in Hewlett

Dear Horny,

Becky, we talked about this. Just…just men suck, okay? Can we agree on that?

 

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