According to Flipside reporters on the ground in Crimea, Russian troops have invaded the peninsula in what appears to be yet another example of Russian President Vladimir Putin acting like he has a giant stick up his ass.
“Really, man? You gonna keep this up?” said Ukrainian Prime Minister Arseniy Yatsenyuk. “You’re better than this. You just host Olympics, for god’s sake, live a little. Stop being that guy and get the fuck out of my country.”
Reports from Washington indicate that Secretary of State John Kerry has engaged with the Russian leader and issued strong warnings including “come on, we talked about this, cut the shit man” and “stop being such an douchebag, this isn’t the Russian Parliament.”
If Putin’s offensive in Crimea does not cease, the international community will have no choice but to respond, possibly by using trade sanctions to “put that obnoxious prick back in his place.”
As of press time, Vice President Joe Biden announced, “This shit really hasn’t been funny since the Sudetenland, Vlad. Go home. You’re drunk.”