Op-Ed: Listen Jen, McDonalds is Fucking Good Enough for Valentine’s Day

February 18, 2014 12:00 pm
Views: 429
Op-Ed: Listen Jen, McDonalds is Fucking Good Enough for Valentine’s Day

Alright Jen, you can open your eyes now- we’re here! What do you think? Jen, don’t give me that look, we’re both busy individuals and it’s impossible to get reservations on Valentine’s Day- Jen! Come on, what matters? Paying too much for some snooty restaurant or the fact that I love you? I- Jen, we’re already here, do you want to just go home? Do you want to not get anything? Is that what you want? We’ve been through this, Jen, like a thousand times. Every year, you make a scene. Stan from work made a playlist for us and everything, doesn’t that count for anything? Come on, let’s go inside, I’m not going through the drive through again, they never get my order right.

Alright Jen, I’ve got this coupon, okay? So you have to get chicken nuggets and a milkshake. Tell you what, you can get the 18 piece nugget platter- make yourself feel like a princess tonight. How about some special sauce for my special girl? Oh, come on Jen, don’t cry. You know you look ugly when you cry. Now you’re going to make a fucking scene. I took a sick day to do this, you know how busy FedEx is this time of year, but I got Stan to cover my shift. How often do we get to go to McDonalds? Fine! We can order something other than the dollar menu specials. But, uh, can you spot me some cash? And stop looking at the fucking Big Mac, just ask for a McDouble with mac sauce, it’s the same damn thing.

Oh, I’m cheap? Well you fucked my brother. This is supposed to be a special evening for both of us. You don’t like it, why don’t you make the fucking Valentine’s Day plans next year? Just throw some of these ketchup packets in your purse. It’s a fucking recession. What? Yes. Yes, of course you should take the salt and pepper packets. Eat up, they close in 10. No, don’t even bother asking for barbecue packets – where do you think you are, Arby’s? And by the way, I didn’t have to bring you here. A “thank you” would be nice. Let’s go. Yeah, we’re going, we’d better eat in the car. Jen you know Stan has poker night every Friday, we’ve got to hit the road. Just make sure you don’t spill anything on the seats.

Damnit, the Toyota won’t start. Jen, hey Jen, could you get out and give it a push while I jiggle the key?

Tags: