Stanford’s Last Fucks Reported Missing

January 22, 2014 12:03 pm
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Stanford’s Last Fucks Reported Missing

Sources report Alan Worth, a sophomore known widely throughout campus as the last student with fucks in his possession may have lost the title this weekend. While anyone has yet to file an official report, Worth’s dorm mates came to the conclusion that the fucks were no longer present upon stumbling past Worth’s double in Crothers last Saturday morning.

Worth’s room was a ghastly display of apathetic release; reports indicate the presence of the usual: ubiquitous trash, broken glass on the floor, Worth himself lying in a makeshift bed of wide-ruled paper atop a small pool of vomit and bodily excretion. However, also present were atypical signs of a mind pushed past the point of depravity, such as the rhetorical “what if God was one of us?” smeared on the wall in feces and a meticulously crafted CHEM33 molecular model of what appears to be an effigy of Dionysus.

In an attempt to make light of these events Dean of Residence Dr. Ronald Pettworther was reached for comment. When asked if he was concerned that all evidence points to most dorms rapidly converging to a post-apocalyptic wasteland bereft of any sort of motivation, Pettworther replied “Nah.”

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