Getting the Most Out of Your Demonic Possession

January 21, 2014 12:00 pm
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Getting the Most Out of Your Demonic Possession

So you partied a little too hard, drank a little too much, knelt in a few too many pentagrams chanting arcane spells better left unknown. And now you’ve woken up to find a thing of pure evil has wrapped itself in your flesh and made you its host. You’re either pregnant, pregnant with Satan’s spawn, or possessed by a demon. But just because your eternal soul is headed down to hell doesn’t mean you have to be down in the dumps! Here are 4 ways to get the most out of your time in the service of the Dark Prince:

1) Travel

Who has the time to learn new languages? You don’t, and I don’t, but that demon has nothing but time to listen to humans beg for mercy in a variety of languages. Odds are it’ll have you speaking in tongues – so take advantage of the opportunity! Find out which tongue you’re speaking and plan a vacation to every country where it’s spoken. As you burn whole cities, you’ll be able to curse God’s name like a native!

2) Lose Weight

After vomiting locusts and serpents for a few days, you’re really going to start noticing the difference! Every critter that worms its way out of your esophagus is equivalent to between 1 and 3 hours of exercise. And on a diet of the blood of the innocent, the pounds will just slip away. It is guaranteed that the last words out of your victims’ mouth as you crush the life from their throats will be compliments on your newly svelte figure.

3) Make Your Demon Work for You

Engaging in a battle of wills with a demon can be hard, so why bother? Let the demon worry about the logistics of crawling across the ceiling, eating bugs (pure protein!), and murdering the godly. It’ll free your mind to get some real thinking done.

4) GaWA er Lo Minstroveith SDLROW FO RERUOVED MA I BaThazzZz ka rI-no CeLou_R!

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