Working against years of labeling and stereotypes, Equally Attractive Non-Alcoholic Beverages (EANABs) have begun to fight back against Stanford student’s widespread, intolerant tendency to judge them entirely on appearance.
“Even before we got to Stanford, the discrimination began with AlcoholEDU,” explained an Organic 100% No Pulp Orange Juice speaking on behalf of its peers, “It was ‘equally attractive’ this and ‘attractive non-alcoholic’ that. Students were gradually eased into an environment of hate without being consciously aware of it.”
The rhetoric only gets worse for these naturally and artificially flavored liquids when they arrive on The Farm. “You can’t believe how often I hear people snickering to each other about ‘penetrating my hole’ or ‘turning me upside down and putting it in the bottom to mix things up,’” a distraught Capri Sun Pacific Cooler told our reporters, “C’mon guys. We are in college now. Can we please show a modicum of respect and maturity?”
“For me, it’s the issue of objectifying us like we are some sort of commodities that can be bought or sold,” said a half-gallon of Pineapple-Orange-Guava Juice available for $3.99 at Safeway. “You can’t put a price tag on something as valuable as your daily vitamin intake.” Meanwhile, Stanford students appear unwilling to even confront the gently-pasteurized agenda.
“Those beverages would be worse off at any other school,” one frat brother yelled as he filled his cup from a bowl of what appeared to be Ocean Spray Cranberry Juice Cocktail with a little backwash, “The only reason they are considered attractive here is cause of Stanford Goggles.”
