Scientists Teach Gorillas to shit on Star Wars prequels

November 11, 2013 12:00 pm
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Scientists Teach Gorillas to shit on Star Wars prequels

Sources report that a consortium of Stanford researchers in behavioral psychology, animal cognition, and linguistics made a breakthrough earlier this week in an ongoing project to teach silverback gorillas to communicate through sign language. “The idea was to see if we could get the gorillas to communicate a knowledge of basic abstractions” explained head scientist Francine Peterson, “and of course, one of the most rudimentary concepts known to the human brain is the shittiness of the Star Wars prequels.”

Despite delays due to funding cuts and minor difficulties involved with the gorillas’ insistence on masturbating during scenes with Wookies, recent experimental results have confirmed that the gorillas were not only able to complain about the horrendous acting but also about the poor integration with the original trilogy and the cringe-inducing attempts at comic relief.

“Anakin’s character has no depth,” whined 2 year old silverback gorilla Sparkle, signing furiously, “as a child, he’s annoyingly over-simplified and as an adult his relationships with other characters are just touted as weak exposition; and don’t even get me started on the idiotically portrayed Jedi.” “I mean, most of the action scenes felt like nothing more than self-indulgent CGI masturbation,” 3 year old BoBo agrees, “and even if I could ignore the awkward self-referential script, the limp-dicked plotline is enough to send even the most diehard fan packing.”

At press time, the researchers had 1,000 gorillas hammering away at 1,000 keyboards in an effort to produce the script for Star Wars Episode VII.

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