President Hennessy Announces New “Just F*ck it” Application Screening Process

October 11, 2013 9:01 am
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President Hennessy Announces New “Just F*ck it” Application Screening Process

As Stanford continues its recent trend of increasing applicant pools, the class of 2017 was selected from the most expansive batch yet. Over 38,000 students applied, most of whom ended up going to Cal anyway.

“It’s just ridiculous,” said Sally Manne, application reader for the class of 2017, who is currently preparing herself for the inevitable onslaught of applications for entrance into the class of 2018. In preparation, the admissions committee has been holding meetings to coordinate strategy and develop sane procedure for what is expected to be close to 40,000 applications.

“We were going through all our previous knowledge, brainstorming strategies to try and find a better way to go about it, and then Jamie just stood up and yelled, ‘Fuck it!'”

At first many thought the radical approach would not be feasible.

“While ‘Fuck It’ may sound like a strange idea,” said President Hennessey, “it actually has been working remarkably well. We tested it over the summer on our high school and middle school EPGY students, and we were able to narrow down our applicant pool by over 83%!”

“Fucking it” will consist of a variety of laissez-faire attitudes towards most incoming applications, including tearing them up, burning them, brutally ridiculing their contents with the help of coworkers, and ultimately abusing the application in every conceivable way until they end up in the inevitable recycling bin. However, every three hours of “fucking it,” admissions counselors are encouraged to take the application they have in hand, and before reducing it to ashes, write down the name of the applicant and their email address to offer them admission.

“It’s a controversial system, I understand,” said Dean of Admissions Richard Shaw, “but we’re confident that in can be successful in reducing counselor stress, and diversifying the incoming class. And to anyone who is on the fence about applying to Stanford under the new system, I urge you to think of how liberating it will be, to know that you don’t need to stress about having the perfect application, because it just doesn’t fucking matter!”

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