Breaking News: Sophomore Won’t Have Booze Next Year

May 17, 2013 9:00 am
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Breaking News: Sophomore Won’t Have Booze Next Year

The golden age of 21 usually graces students with its arrival during their junior year of college. It is a beautiful time, a time when you can finally get legally shitfaced, spend extravagant amounts of money on shitty cocktails at bars, and get into really lame clubs. However, not all juniors are so lucky. Sophomore Christopher Trenton sits with his head in his hands in the Toyon lounge. His hands are shaking, and dry sobs rack his chest. Trenton has just made a shocking realization: he will have no means of buying booze in autumn quarter of the coming year.

According to Trenton, “My roommate was the only one in our group of friends with a fake, but he’s going abroad autumn quarter next year. No one else is going to turn 21 until, like, after Christmas! What am I going to DO until then? I don’t have any older friends to hook me up! Can you even do anything fun on the weekends here without booze?!” Underage students who lack fake IDs face a very real threat of consistent weekend sobriety. Don’t be like Christopher Trenton. Be vigilant. Make older friends. Forge relationships with older members of your class and those in the year above you. These connections may prove to be your salvation in the future.

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