Area Man Declares Bottle of Jack His Best Friend

March 5, 2013 9:00 am
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Area Man Declares Bottle of Jack His Best Friend

Area Man Jonathan Davies recently declared that a fifth of Jack Daniels was his best friend. They met three days ago at the local sketchy liquor store Tik Tok Liquor, and instantly made a connection. When questioned on the subject, Davies said, “I picked him out from the shelf, just knowing that we had something special. I knew that I had found a friend to stick by me always. I call him Oscar.” 

Their relationship developed quickly over the next few days. “We would watch TV together a lot. Everything seemed funnier with Oscar around,” said Davies, stroking the ten-dollar bottle with the back of his knuckles lightly. “Once, we even went to the park, like I used to as a teenager. I kept him in a cozy brown paper bag to keep him from sweating everywhere. He really listened, you know?  It was unlike any other friendship I’ve ever had.”

Davies began noticing something odd, however, as the relationship progressed. “It seemed like something was missing this morning, like Oscar was here in body but his true self was gone. I cried for hours, though that may have been from the splitting headache I was having. He left me, but I can’t stand to replace him.” Davies took the end of his relationship with the small Whiskey receptacle very hard, expressing his sadness that “Oscar” would never be the best man at his wedding. As of press time, Davies was considering returning to Tik Tok Liquor to try hang out with Oscar’s estranged brother, a bottle of Wolfschmidt Vodka.

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