The morning of Thursday, September 20 began like any other for Serra freshmen Peter Jennings. According to eyewitness accounts, the lanky 6’1” high school valedictorian unconsciously swung his legs off his extra-long twin bed, mechanically rotated his body 180 degrees, and instinctively reached for the edge of his comforter to sling up towards the top of his pillow. At 8:58 am, however, through blurry eyes and a still-dazed mind, Jennings’ body was jolted into a more lucid state of consciousness as the freshman was suddenly confronted with a stunning realization about his new lifestyle…
Jennings immediately called an impromptu press conference early Thursday afternoon where he announced his groundbreaking insight. “As a college student,” Jennings boomed to the assembled crowd, “I will no longer experience any negative consequences whatsoever for not making my bed in the morning.”
Sources close to the new Stanford freshman acknowledged that Jennings’ excitement is justified, as he is coming off an 18-year stretch in an environment where he had to suffer everything from his father’s disgusted eye-rolls to his mother’s passive-aggressive snipes about the tidiness of his bed sheets every morning.
Flipside reporters caught up with Jennings in Stern Dining, where the prospective Psych major was eating a remarkably unbalanced meal without the use of silverware. “This has opened a lot of new doors for me,” explained Jennings, his mouth filled with unchewed chunks of food, “It has really allowed me to reevaluate a lot of what I do and how I do it.”
Jennings’ roommate was unavailable for comment, but released a statement saying the lack of bed-making and washing behind the ears was tolerable, but the complete disregard for deodorant application might be a source of conflict in the near future.