Freshman Confident His Room Will Be “The Party Room”

September 24, 2012 12:02 pm
Views: 510
Freshman Confident His Room Will Be “The Party Room”

Although the school year has yet to fully begin, Otero freshman Matthew Renzi has already expressed confidence that the 2nd floor double he shares with roommate Dustin McFee will be the undisputed party room of the dorm.

“You know, just kind of like a chill place that has a fun vibe,” Renzi explained.  “It’s going to be that room where everybody pre-games before going out on the weekend.  And there’s gonna be no shortage of music and booze so with all that going on people might not even want to leave.”

Renzi’s confidence stems from a lot of careful preparation: during the summer he painstakingly purchased select products to project an aura of fun-loving nonchalance.  These items included purple Christmas lights, a Bob Marley poster, and a wide array of novelty shot glasses.  He says that the road has not been easy.

“Don’t take anything for granted,” advised Renzi, adjusting the left strap on his freshly ironed “Party With Trees” tank.  “I can still remember the hours I spent poring over playlists in iTunes, trying to find the perfect mix of dubstep, rap, and top-40 to get everybody in the mood to play beer pong.”

He says that the most difficult part of all was finding the steady supply of alcoholic beverages that partying freshmen will be expecting from day one.  But he was reportedly able to establish contacts with upperclassmen during NSO who could “hook him up.”

One such upperclassman, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that Renzi even went as far as to purchase two handles of Smirnoff and then dump the contents out, with the intent of displaying the empty Vodka bottles prominently on his shelves.

Studies done on the subject have concluded that for a freshman male, having the dorm’s party room gives an expected 3-point boost to the coveted peer-respect metric, and increases chances of a sexual encounter by 48%.  So with the stakes this high, Renzi is not alone in predicting victory: Seventeen fellow freshmen are equally confident that their room will be “the party room.”

Tags: