Obama Can’t Stop Taking Stances on Things

May 16, 2012 6:00 am
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Obama Can’t Stop Taking Stances on Things

They say all addictions start with a first step. For some, that step is the puff of a joint. For others, it’s the tingling sensation of playing a slot machine, but for Barack Obama, that first step was announcing his stance on gay marriage. Last week, on national television, Obama told ABC News that he supported same sex marriage. Since then, according to close family members and loved ones, Obama has grown addicted to announcing stances on things. “It started slowly at first. He would announce his stance on things like marijuana legalization and abortion. But before we knew it he was out of control. He started telling his views on the Amish, on Bingo Nights, and on the new Avengers movie,” said First Lady Michelle Obama.

According to psychologist Edward Murray, addictions of this sort are common. “We see this most often among politicians and lawyers. This is the biggest stance and sub-stance abuse problem we’ve seen since Kennedy announced his stance on the moon. Kennedy never recovered, but Obama’s future looks bright. If he listens to those close to him, I am confident he will make it through rehabilitation with only minor long-term impacts.

In response to Obama’s condition, his family, friends, and country have decided to organize an intervention to tell Obama how his stance-taking practices are harmful to him and his relationships. “Sometimes, when people go off the deep end, we need to do what it takes to get them back. I like Obama, I really do, but I don’t care what he thinks about Oatmeal versus Cream of Wheat. I want my Barack back,” said Miranda Berger, longtime supporter of Obama and his administration.

When asked what he thought of his addiction, Obama replied saying, “It is important for me to go ahead and affirm that I think announcing stances on things is fun and I will continue taking positions on whatever I want.”

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