Following what will surely be another amazing season, star quarterback Andrew Luck has decided to skip enrollment in the NFL and go straight to prison, a move which has excited a flurry of activity among the higher echelons of the pre-game-show douchebag world.
Mark Walder, a veteran sports analyst for ESPN, said this is just the latest in a string of brilliant career moves. “It takes months, sometimes even years, for a star athlete to finally earn his rightful place in prison,” Walder said in an interview Thursday. “Even after assaulting 32 Cuban hookers during the regular NFL season, Tom Brady was unable to secure a place in the Plymouth County Penitentiary. It’s absurd. I think Luck’s finally realizing how the game is played.”
Other analysts, such as Al Styrel of “Sportswatch,” vehemently disagree. “Playing in the NFL is an integral and unavoidable part of going to prison.” Styrel wrote in The Watch. You can’t just cut out the middle man. This is football we’re talking about, not haggling with Persian rug merchants! Luck should take heed of the experienced NFL felons preceding him who actually took the time to cultivate criminal records before heading off to prison. Does he think that Michael Vick just ‘made it’ without first violating a slew of animal rights regulations? He’s just too cocky.”
Luck, however, remains optimistic. “Stanford is all about defying convention,” Luck told reporters after Saturday’s stunning 48-7 win against Colorado. “No ESPN analyst is going to keep me from my rightful place in the California State Penitentiary system.”
Only time will reveal the next steps in Andrew Luck’s exceptional football career, but rumors are already circulating that scouts from the San Quentin Prison facility will be in the stands at the next game. (Foucart)
