A US military official recently announced the arrival of a groundbreaking new line of tracker dogs reportedly capable of smelling people’s hatred of America.
“We needed an alternative to racial profiling,” said US military researcher Jonathan Greeley. “Everyone knows that judging a person by the color of their skin is only right most of the time.”
“It’s also possibly unethical,” he added.
According to the US military’s website, the tracker dogs were specifically bred and bio-engineered to detect the chemical reactions and hormones associated with being an “America-hating douche-bag.”
“While we were eventually successful, our initial test runs repeatedly ended in failure,” said Greeley. “We needed the dogs to detect only a terrorist’s hatred of America. Instead, the dogs would often track down Europeans, Russians, South Americans, hipsters, Chinese immigrants, abortion doctors, gay marriage activists, atheists, environmentalists, and several other harmless types of devil worshipping country backstabbers.”
“The dogs are also not very fond of bicyclists,” he added.
Several media commentators have praised the new line of tracker dogs for being adorable and friendly.