Kappa Sigma Loses House, Brothers Adopt Hunter-Gatherer Lifestyle.

April 3, 2011 8:28 pm
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Kappa Sigma Loses House, Brothers Adopt Hunter-Gatherer Lifestyle.

After losing their housing for the next academic year, members of Kappa Sigma seem to have reverted to a primitive hunter-gatherer lifestyle. Kappa Sigma brothers have been sighted at various locations around campus scavenging for beer and attempting to build rudimentary shelters and squirrel catchers.

Many students worry for the now-nomadic brothers, expressing doubts about whether they will be able to survive in the wild. “I saw this guy digging through a dumpster by Tresidder, and then he turned around, and I realized it was Kappa Sig’s social chair, and I was like, that’s so sad,” said sophomore Kelly Gray. Stanford’s branch of Habitat for Humanity has already scheduled a building project to address the issue.

One brother, who asked that his name be withheld, felt that his three years of Stanford education were turning out to be of no practical use to him. “Bro, I’m just living hand to mouth right now. None of the Economics or IHUM classes I took prepared me at all for this–even Sleep and Dreams was useless,” he said glumly. “I don’t even know which plants are okay to eat and which are good to smoke.”

Some brothers remain defiant and hopeful even in the face of such strife. Over the last week, “Jake” and “Steven” have been amassing a pile of rocks at their temporary base, an oak tree in the wilderness beyond FroSoCo. Jake is not fazed by his homeless condition. “We’re going to take the house back any day now, as soon as we figure out how to sharpen these stones and start fires. We might lose some brothers along the way, but it’s a sacrifice we’ll have to make.” Steven grunted in agreement.