Stanford students were shocked by a recent case of lighthearted playing gone horribly wrong. What started out as an impromptu pillow fight quickly devolved into a bloodbath.
“Me and Laura were baking pancakes in the kitchen when we heard noises in the activity room,” said Heather Croft, survivor of the TriDelt Pillow Massacre. “Right when we opened the door we were ambushed by Aubrey and Sara, so we picked up some couch pillows and retaliated. It was crazy.”
Dozens of other TriDelts quickly joined the pillow fight, which many thought would be just a fun safe study-time distraction.
“It was all going well until a couple of people started accusing Jessica of hiding rolls of quarters in her pillowcase,” said Ashley Neunzert, another survivor. “A bunch of girls then snuck out and came back with their pillowcases significantly lumpier. And then Britney really started to rage rage rage—but, like, not in the good way.”
Investigators found several pillowcases filled with rocks, beer bottles, and even knives. In one particularly noteworthy case, there was a pillow case which contained multiple sawed-off shotguns. None of the pillowcases contained feathers or any other conventional pillow fillings.
“This is still not the worst thing to happen in the TriDelt activity room,” said Megan Trombley. “I still shudder when I think of that Twister game we played last year…so many broken bones.”
In response to the pillow massacre, the University has issued a temporary ban on all pillows, snuggies, and other soft items. Sources close to President Hennessy indicate the ban will be lifted “as soon as those girls learn to behave themselves.”