STANFORD, CA—Scandal has rocked the Stanford football universe after Toby Gerhart revealed himself as an avatar for an advanced alien race. As an avatar, Gerhart possesses a mixture of human and alien DNA. This mixture has given him extraordinary strength and endurance, far beyond what human physiology can normally achieve. The alien DNA imbues Toby’s human analogue with increased lung capacity, muscle density, and bone strength. It also explains the blue prehensile tail that he occasionally uses to straight-arm additional defenders.
Genetic testing conducted by NFL scouts led to a confrontation last week when Gerhart announced he was an Avatar and explained that his alien body was hidden in a remote corner of the Stanford steam tunnel network.
Jim Harbaugh immediately attempted to subdue the controversy by claiming that “Nothing in the NCAA rules says that players have to be completely human,” and that regardless of the origin of his genetic advantages, “Toby is doing a great service to the Stanford community and the human race.”
Gerhart’s curiously high GPA, which has landed him accolades and awards, has also come into question. Asked how he maintains his GPA given his commitments on both the football and baseball teams, Toby replied, “My actual job involves servicing starship antiproton drives, so calculus and elementary physics are not really a problem.”
